My Blog

so what's up?

it has been sometime, and i missed this. how long has it been? and how many million things have happened? well, let us start with where i am now.

tadannnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!! CEBU!!!!!! how did we get here? by evolution? or by creation? by choice? or circumstance?

in case you are wondering, yes, dave and i are still together, braving the wind, storm, floods, whatnot whatnot.

just 2 and a half months ago, we were in bacolod. with the crappiest job anyone could have. but enough about that. i can not be bothered with the details of that horrendous bout of insanity we experienced in that sorry excuse for a company they call ttch.  no wonder why cnvrgys became convoluted after all those craps from ttch moved there.

anyhoot, not to say that we were not happy when we were in bacolod. i get to be with my loved ones, we got to eat lots of durian, inasal and more inasal, we got to redecorate 2 houses, and move twice. or whatever. the point is, we were happy fighting and breaking up, and fighting, and making up. the curse of ttch, we knew. not to mention i never got to login to friendster all that time.

so to save ourselves, our sanity, and our fantastic sex life, :), we eloped. really, we did. one day, i said, let us go to cebu. he said, sure. that was that. after 5 days, we had a new job. talk about surviving.

cutting short, we are now happily living in a small house, with all the luxuries we longed for: belle, loyal vicky the girl friday, a garden, a black cat named jerry who we saved from being deliberately drowned, a pygmy dog named tummy who we saved from an almost imminent death by malnourishment and worms, and the best thing, lots of laughter brought by a totally stress-free job. imagine, a steady schedule (10 to 7 am, Monday to Friday), no dress code, slipper only office!!! and it is only a few meters away from our house! and the almost-to-die-for salary. well, i can't say that we can't complain, but, hey, this is a far cry from before.

anyway, we are on our way to the grocery, so im gonna cut this short. i am happy to be back though. :)

and i smiled....and laughed...then cried.

i thought i was gonna cry. i kept this decision at bay because i feared the pain of goodbyes, the melancholy that often precedes the last wave of my hand.

i tend to miss anything even before i take my leave. that's why, most of the time, i keep on holding on.

but things happen sooner and much more different than expected.

so last night, after dave and i found the 3 kinds of rock for belle's project, we opened our mailbox first before i answered the phone, then i took a deep breath.

when they asked me what are my plans, i said,
"I FINALLY AM RESIGNING."

no second-thoughts, heavy with kidney painkillers, i said i am leaving convergys for good. after 23 months. a month short of two goddamn years.

was that a drug induced courage?

i think not.

when i hung up the phone, i looked up and saw dave's smile, brimming with understanding, support and love.

then i am not afraid anymore.

we will make it through, somehow.

:) this goodbye was not as painful as i thought it would be. my goddamned kidneys are, though.

i need a double-shot of demerol........

goodbye, my love

can it not be clearer than this? 

you used to excite me. the thought of you not only makes me smile, it makes me feel worthy to breathe again.  you gave me a new beginning, then,  when i felt that i lost not only myself, but everything i hold dear, to my past that just won't let me be. you made me forget my darkness, by opening my eyes to the normal world, making me realize that there is light in the middle of the tunnel.

you inspired me. i saw myself as a totally different being from the husk that i was, just by basking under your radiance. because of you i aimed to become excellent in everything, just to prove that i am worthy of you. with you i saw myself growing to my fullest potential, and i knew that i was going to be successful just for the simple reason of being with you.

i could never stop talking of and about you. when people ask me about others like you, i adamantly maintain that you are the best, and no one can be better than you.
no one else will ever come close, i swore to them.
why?
because you took care of me. you provided for me. you gave me everything that i wanted. you had honor and integrity. we always had fun, we learned and benefited from each other. you had and were everything that i could ever want in my life.

but what happened?

all of a sudden, you became different. you started to strangle me with your new rules, almost irrational rules. you lost your spontaneity. you started to bore me with the routine that you wanted me to maintain. you stopped having fun with me and the rest of my friends. then you befriended people from another world who have different views, and they did not see me as someone worthy to be with you. these people whispered lies to destroy my friends' reputations. these people nagged into your ears that i am working against you, and now, they are isolating me from you.

and you listened to their malicious deception. along with my friends, you started to turn your face away from us. you chose to believe your new friends.  you are now looking at new faces, fresher faces, who may or may not love you like i do, like we do.

you gave up on me.

you trust them, and listen to them, and have forgotten what we went through together. you have chosen to forget the sacrifices i made for you. you have forgotten all the satisfaction i gave you. for almost two years, i stayed with you, went through danger for you, sacrificed my family and almost everything i have for you.

will they love you like i did? will they give up things for you like i and my friends did? will they stay with you forever? i will not ask you to choose. because i have made up my mind. and i have made my choice.

i am fed up. i am tired. i am finally giving up. it saddens me no end, because i can not deny, that i loved you very very much.

but as with other things, this had to end. with tears in my eyes, and a sad song in my heart,  i am saying goodbye.

convergys, you will never be forgotten.

iyak ng aking pwet......

dati, iba may ari sayo. sa likod lang kita, at di kita pansin. kasi, pareho ka lang naman nung akin, eh.  nung una nga, ayoko sa may lugar nyo. kasi, yung dun sa may amin, mas masaya, at nandun ang mga kaibigan ko. pero sa di inaasahang pagkakataon, pinalipat ako sa lugar nyo, kasi daw medyo magaling ako, at kailangan, sa lugar ako ng mga magagaling mapunta. kaya ako napunta sa inyo, at nakilala kita.

isang gabi, wala yung amo mo. naisip ko, pwede naman siguro kitang angkinin, kahit isang gabi lang. kasi, sawa na ko dun sa kapatid mong boring. kaya, tinikman kita. at katulad ng inaasahan ko, nag-enjoy ako. kasi, mas makiri at malandi ka kesa sa kapatid mo. mas malikot, maikot at malambot. yung harap mo pa, nandun yung gustong- gusto kong laruin. ang saya, di ba?

naaliw ako sayo. lagi na lang ikaw ang una kong pinupuntahan. di ko na nga pansin yung kapatid mo eh. tinalikuran ko na siya. ikaw na lang at ang nasa harap mo ang inatupag ko. nagalit na nga sakin yung amo mo eh. sabi niya, kanya ka lang daw. pero anong magagawa nya? bago pa siya dumating, nasa akin ka na. kaya, yung kawawang amo mong mala-tsokolate ang mata, lumipat na lang sa iba.

at dun nagsimula ang ating affair. pag di ikaw ang kasama ko sa walong oras na pagpapakalunod ko sa pamamasyal sa buong mundo gamit ang bahay-gagamba, paglalaro at paminsan- minsang telebabad, di na ako mapakali. parang iba ang buhay ko pag wala ka sa piling ko.

bakit hindi? eh masaya sa paligid mo.napakalambot mo pa. napakatatag mo. kahit anong bigat, kaya mong pasanin. pag pagod na ko at inaantok, ikaw lagi ang nasasandalan ko.

ikaw ang naging saksi sa maraming bagay na nangyari sa buhay ko, tulad ng:
pag-aaway namin ng kasama ko sa bahay, pag-iyak ko dahil sa kanya,  pag aayos at lambingan namin.

at siyempre, nasaksihan mo ang  pa ulit ulit na pagpapalit namin ng kapitan,  hinanakit at chismis tungkol sa mga ipis sa barangay natin, tawanan na walang kwenta, lungkot nung malaman namin na di na kami kagawad sa lugar natin dahil taga walis na lang kami, galit dahil sa pambabalahura sa amin, galit dahil sa tagal ng mga pinangako sa amin, pag ka dismaya dahil sa kabiguan ng mga pangarap namin, saya nung matanggap namin yung sampung papel na pwedeng ibili ng kung anu-ano, at itong pinaka huli, at pinaka malungkot; utos  na di na kita pwedeng makasama.

galit ako. hindi lang dahil iiwanan na kita at iba na ang mag ma may ari sayo. galit ako dahil halos lahat na yata ay gusto nilang alisin sa akin at sa mga kaibigan ko. aping- api na ang pakiramdam ko.

galit ako, dahil sa dinami- dami ng pwedeng pagdiskitahan, ikaw pa at ang mga kapatid mo ang napag tripan nila.  ganito ba talaga ang uso ngayon?

di na planet of the apes. PLANET OF THE IPIS NA!!!

ngayon, di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. di ko alam kung kaya ko pang maghanap ng katulad mo. siguro, pansamantala, dun muna ako sa pinsan mo. malulungkot ako. sobrang ma mi miss kita. tsaka yung harapan mo na hilig kong laruin. at ma mi miss ko rin yung mga kapatid mo at ang mga amo nila. alam ko na magiging malungkot na ang buhay natin magmula sa Lunes.

ilang oras na lang, di na kita makakapiling.

kaya, paalam, aking upuan. paalam, station #661.

isa lang ang hiling ko sa mga diwata para sayo.

nawa'y mabango ang utot ng sunod na uupo sayo.


gnmsc

if only....

till now.... i always got by on my own,
i never really cared until i met you......

heart's "alone" crashed into my auditory receptors hard and piercing. and all of a sudden, i'm back there.

dark and smoky, the room filled me with a sense of heaviness as murky as the night ahead, i adjust the microphone to my height, sit on the high chair, and pull back my braided hair. i clear my throat, and i open the song with a sad whole note.

the bar is filled with half-drunk men and women, each table immersed in their own conversations, till my voice penetrates their senses.

it felt like springtime on this february morning......

the noise melts down to the sound of guitars, and bass line plucked by my bass god, and my voice adulterated with nicotine and red horse tickling the melodies...

you light up another cigarette and i pour the wine.....

10 songs per set, 3 sets per night, 6 bottles of red horse, half a pack of marlboro, at 14, it would have been too much for me. after the gig, i would have to use my talent in sign language to make myself understood, hoarse horse that i have become. but i withstood. i ignored the throat ulcers, the raw eggs i had to drink, the bitter medicines, just so i could sing. i loved the night life, i loved the attention, i loved my band, and i loved the music. for 3 hours, i am on stage. and i am a star.

amidst the whirlwind of my youth, this episode of my life was the most meaningful and yet meaningless, happy yet sad, memorable yet forgettable.

now if only .......

"batang - bata ka pa at marami ka pang kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo..."

avec tout mon coeur, merci

these people proved me wrong. i had a very happy birthday

dave--time and again you showed your love in your own way. for not minding that your hands are burnt, torn and sore from opening the oysters, and chopping all those onions, and frying all those chicken skin, and steaming those heavenly siomai, and being nice to our guests, and looking after belle, and drinking my turns, and laughing, and kissing me, and making me laugh, and for simply being there. for all these and more, i kiss your feet and your ass, and i give you 728,409 of my stars.

belle--i love you and i give you my all. thank you for making mommy's life worth living. you are my joy and my life.

mi familia--for greeting me even though it is against your faith to do so. for bearing with me these past 24 years. my affection is unwavering. i pray to my gods for your happiness and everything else. though my gods dont know yours. :D

my auntie bobong and uncle rex--you are family, and i appreciate your presence more than the chocolate mousse cake that you brought, though i loved that too. i pray to my deities that you be given 12 children to complete your life more.

raya and prime--i offer 32 species of flowers to you, my wonderful friends. the honey coffee cake you brought , just like last year, is so deeply appreciated and satisfyingly masticated. you will be in my last will and testament.

angel and ding--angge, my parties will never be complete without your loud voice, and your laughter, and your tears. ding, angge will never be loud and happy without you. so i thank you both for completing my parties. and i thank you for loving me as your friend, and for being a part of my life. i pray that you be given 618 cars this year.

chris--being your friend is a great experience. you brought me one big crema de futa cake, that everybody loved.you brought me fettucinne when i ran out of pasta.though these are not the reasons why i am fond of you, these are part of the reason why my birthday was happy. you love my cooking. and i love you. i wish on my next falling star that you be showered with more ass to *uck. :D

ian--although you missed out on the inuman, i still appreciate the fact that you spent time with me, even though you are on hibernate mode again. your presence is always cherished, and i still am sore with you for not going back. may the fairies grant you a new girlfriend who will take care of you more than you take care of her.

dennis--a friend for almost two years now, you spice up my life without making it too hot to handle. you stand in my periphery, and share my life subtly. now you did not miss my party, unlike last year( though you tried to make it the morning later with ice cream and vcut). i knew that you were sleepy and tired, going to the party straight from work and gym, making it still to the inuman (my god, do you even breathe to rest?) , i appreciate you. my gods tell me that they will keep your ass open this year.

TO ALL OF YOU...........

je t'aime et moi devez-vous tout tellement beaucoup avec tout le moi et extrayez, merci

te quiero y yo débale todo tan mucho con todo el mí y mine, gracias

i love you and i owe you all so much. with all of me and mine, thank you

goodbye first quarter

i made a sketch of my left hand, and noticed how my hands have changed. last time i really looked at them was a couple of months back. oh yes, i do love looking at my hands, but lately i have'nt been paying too much attention to them, except when dave and i are doing stuff with our hands. now, they are still candle-shaped, and nice, but more veins are showing, and the joints are a bit swollen. the signs of aging. and it's scaring the shit out of me.

i was wrong. i do not have a sad life. as a matter of fact, if i lay out my 24 years to you, you would say that i have lived a very interesting life. i started out early, you see, and so i accumulated myriads of memories, not to mention countless men. aherm to that.

what did i do with my 24 years?

* was born a peculiar half-human, half-bytch
* learned how to read at 3,
* was a liar and a thief by 4,
* then went to first grade at 5,
* started cutting classes by then so that i can go to the school,village and city libraries. at 6 years old
* had my first crush by 6
* then hunted and haunted libraries starting 2nd grade,
* then i had my share of school medals and awards during my grade school years,
* got tired of school altogether when I got to high school,
* had my first bottle of beer at 10
* started working as a radio host by age 11
* had my first tattoo when i was 12, (now i have 8 tattoos,)
* had my first boyfriend by 13
* smokes professionally *wink* by 13 and a half :)
* had a professional stint as a band vocalist by age 14
* drinks like a sailor by this time
* lived independently from my parents by 14
* wrote several songs and numerous poems
* went to college and lived alone by 16
* failed college
* lived and worked for a radio station in davao
* was somehow engaged at 18
* stopped singing
* got pregnant and was abandoned by 20
* gave birth to nylxze danyaelabelle alvyette at 21
* worked for a security group
* was shot at
* almost shot someone
* is was a member of a gun club
* worked for a law firm
* moved to cagayan de oro
* worked as a local tv host
* had more than 20 serious relationships (and this is no boast LOL)
* was in 14,911,711 embarrassing situations
* now loathes guns
* lived in approximately 2 houses each in 9 provinces and 12 cities
* lived in approximately 25 houses all over the philippines
* travelled to most provinces from manila southwards
* working for cvg
* is living happily with belle and dave and our fish noname.

now this is a rough draft of my life. a cold and rough draft. i left the juicy details out of this entry, lest my daughter gets to read it in the future.

boring? you may think so. but i believe that i lived a spicy life, and honestly, I am happy with how my life turned out.

and so with the celebration last night, i said goodbye to my first quarter, my first 25 years, and hello to the beginning of the rest of my century.

yes, bytches live for a hundred years.

happy birthday to me

it's my birthday today. nobody greeted me, except my daughter. which is sad.

sad life.

anyway, you are invited to my party at my place today, if you find the time, and if you find my place. LOL.

ok. sad life.

we're back

slap me one more time. for i am still in heaven , and i need to get back to earth.
the yummy one and i just got back from davao, and we admit that not unlike our first out of town trip to mauban, we were indeed shuttled to paradise, and we find it hard to move back our consciousness to this hullaballoo that you call manila.

butl, the details will follow, coz i would love to tell ya'll about it with backup pictures.

so hold on not so tight.

just know that we are still suffering from sun burns, durian farts, prawn burps, and of course, the heady hangover of heaven.

incomingggggggggggggggg..........

...

eyes sealed shut with tears,
i faced the wall
stared at the wallpaper
lined with age
discolored
fluffy pillows between us
our scent lingering
so near yet galaxies away
clouds of sorrow sailing past
passing off as dreams
waking to sadness
facing tomorrows
of uncertainty and doubt